this boner is exhausting
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
