New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
