I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
