he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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