Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
