i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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