I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
