so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
