census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Please don't give away my fajitas
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