I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
