if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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