some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
