I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
