the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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