I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
