I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
