Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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