why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
