I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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