i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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