We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
