At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
