so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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