I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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