And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
