I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
