we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
