Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
