You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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