I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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