lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize