sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
