fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize