I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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