I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
