My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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