I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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