If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
