I think I won the penis lottery.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
