walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
