I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize