There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
