I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
