I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize