More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
