Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
