did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
