The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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