I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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