I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
