hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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