Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
