is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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