Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
