Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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