Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
