i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
