Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
