happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
