Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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