FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
