you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
