Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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