my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
