Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
