I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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