Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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